I just returned from PA with my son, his best friend, and my husband Patrick for a delightful funfilled weekend at the Great Wolf Lodge, the largest indoor waterpark in Northern America.... think millions, no billions, of screaming little toddlers and prepubescent children in the wet bathingsuits with obese parents standing befuddled looking around at the skyscraper-high tubes of rafters and giant 2-ton water buckets suddenly spilling water down on all of them, as they run-walk-stroll in their bare fungal feet in puddles of indoor water.... yes, I was there.. I endured it by spending money. Way too much money. Two overpriced movies on the television set with the sticky remote controller and the wall sconce light that wouldn't turn on, and then TWO, yes, two, massages at the spa next to the video arcade, the last one was an aroma rub with body scrub and perfumed oils and loads of skin lotion even in my scalp. From there, Patrick insisted I had to try a water slide with him because it would be the last time in my life I would have this extraordinary opportunity. Buoyed by a rum and coke, I squeezed into my largest black bathing suit and marched proudly with him to the 5-story staircase where we waited in line for 45 minutes. Good thing I wasn't able to wear my glasses so I was fairly oblivious to the height (I am scared of heights). We then jumped into our double tube and were shoved down a dark sightless tube of rushing water. I was told to remember only one thing: "Do not let go of the handles.." "But but but" I protested as we were shoved into the tunnel. "I JUST WENT TO THE SPA AND I AM COVERED WITH CONDITIONER AND I AM AS SLIPPERY AS A FISH HOW THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HOLD OOOOOOOONNNNNN WHOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And yes, Patrick had taken me down the equivalent of the Black Diamond Slope of Water Tunnels. We loopty-looped, we went upsidedown, we were tossed from one wall to another as we plunged into further darkness................. As I practiced my Lamaze breathing, all I could think of was that this was like birth delivery of sorts where really all you want to do is scream at the top of your lungs at the father of the child for getting you into this mess to begin with. And before you knew it, we had been expelled like a giant turd into the light of day, and I hobbled out of my slimy raft and glared at Patrick.
How was your day?